1. When you get into a car with vinyl seating and you immediately
adhere to every surface accompanied by the soft sound of sizzling bacon, and
you are reminded how much you hate everything.
2. Bugs
deciding that every inch of your exposed skin is the perfect place to host
their week-long music festival.
3. Having
to pretend like you’re interested in purchasing various items in every other
store you pass even though you have ~zero dollars in your account right now,
simply so you can soak up that sweet, sweet AC.
4. Spending
an entire morning doing your hair, only to have it meet the humidity at the
door and poof up on all sides like some giant, fuzzy head-umbrella.
5.
Rejecting 99 percent of your clothes simply because they cover more than the
bare minimum amount of body parts to make you acceptable in society.
6. Public
transportation taking on the general conditions of a terrarium.
7. Makeup
melting down your face, making you look something like a sad clown from a
velvet painting.
8. Having
to decide between an ice-cold drink which promptly turns into a soup of
ice-water and whatever your drink was supposed to be, or a lukewarm drink that
keeps its taste but has none of the essential ice.
9. Enjoying
about 10 minutes of outdoor exposure before becoming a giant abstract painting
of sweat stains and unintentionally see-through clothing.
10. A
forehead shiny enough to down passing commercial jets.
11.
Debating sticking your head in the freezer or taking the 4th cold shower of the
day, and it’s not even noon yet.
12. All of
the extra empty calories you are inevitably taking in now that your liquid diet
is 70 percent margaritas, daiquiris, and mojitos.
13. When
you think you have that sexy summer glow going on while dancing at a party, but
then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a reflective surface and are like, jk,
I look like a swamp creature.
14.
Farmer’s tan, which unless accompanied by a dozen acres of actual farmland,
just makes you look like an asshole.
15. Cutting
the corners of your mouth open on ice pops, the facial equivalent of stepping
on a Lego.
16. Sticky
sheets from sweating on yourself in the evening — yeah, you can’t even blame
these on hot sex, you’re just gross.
17. Every
bad smell being multiplied at least ten-fold.
18. “Summer
jams” being overplayed until the opening notes of them make you want to kill
yourself right where you’re standing.
19. Not
being able to eat anything served over room temperature.
20. The
unbelievable people who actually seem to look good and somewhat sexy in
jungle-like heat, while you’re standing on the street like a melting wax
statue, just waiting for the heat to kill you already.
21. When
it’s too hot to even have sex, and someone trying to spoon with you makes you
feel like you’re being suffocated by a thousand molten-hot pillows.
22. The
nights when thinking of something to do makes you too hot, so you all just sit
there and kind of turn into puddles on the curb, waiting for something to do.
23.
Hangovers somehow being turned up to 11.
24. When
you step outside at 8 a.m. and it already feels like the inside of a locker
room and you’re like, damn, this does not bode well for
the rest of
the day.
25. When you remember, lol jk I have zero
pride, and would totally sleep with someone for even temporary access to a
pool.
(to taste)
